


all my friends are heathens

by Khalomot



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, M/M, Youkai, did u know theres a possessed vegetable grater, i was watching kamisama hajimemasita and then this happened, thats a thing, this is not what i should be working on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-12 01:51:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7915813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khalomot/pseuds/Khalomot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s entirely possible that they were pranking us. Why on earth would they send out five underclassmen to the middle of the woods, at night, for an indeterminate period of time?”</p>
<p>(or: tsukishima has doubts about the legitimacy of his upperclassmen's claim of the hyakki yagyo, but maybe he should trust them a little more)</p>
            </blockquote>





	all my friends are heathens

**Author's Note:**

> this is Not what i should be writing but if ur a fan of my knb work i swear to god i'll have the next chapter of twncu(wwbv) up soon
> 
> (insp by kamisama hajimemashita and nurarihyon no mago!)

The moon hangs high in the sky. It’s a cloudless night, and this far in the forest, you can see the stars better. The air around teenagers is still and quiet, adding to a somewhat surreal feeling the trees permeate.

Tsukishima Kei hates it.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” He hisses. “I _can’t believe_ we’re doing this.”

Hinata turns around, irritated at his classmate’s complaints. “Look, Tsukishima, you don’t have to do this. You can leave right now if you’re gonna keep being this negative, because _I_ , for one, would like to see the Yokai Watch!”

“That’s the name of a game, you idiot,” Kageyama whispers from the bush next to him.

“Bokuto-san said, it, uh, was called the Hyakki Yagyo.”

“Thank you, Yachi,” The taller blond mutters, and turns his attention back to the path in front of him. The five of them are squatting behind a row of bushes, staring at a dirt path lit by the glow of the moon and eagerly awaiting the procession their upperclassmen told them about.

_“Y’know, you should keep this quiet. It’s kinda a tradition between me and Kuroo, and we don’t really want it getting out. We’ve been doing it since we were kids, so…”_

_“Watching a bunch of Yokai pass by? That sounds so cool!” Hinata’s eyes glow with excitement, and Kageyama lets a small yet terrifying smile grow across his face. Bokuto ruffles their hair, mirroring their enthusiastic expressions._

_“Yokai aren’t real, you idiot,” Tsukishima snaps, but his attention is still fixed on the black-haired senior in front of them._

_“Who says that, Tsukki?” Kuroo grins, gold eyes gleaming. The taller boy scoffs, and looks off. Yamaguchi and Yachi exchange glances. “Anyways, if you really wanna go, you should get protection, otherwise they’ll see ya.”_

_“If you meet me after school, I can give you kids some scrolls that’ll ward them off if they see you. Remember to hold them tightly, though – drop them and I don’t know what’ll happen.”_

_“Thank you so much, Bokuto-san!”_

Kageyama checks the time. “It’s getting late. If Kuroo-san was right, the parade should start soon.”

“It’s entirely possible that they were pranking us. Why on earth would they send out five underclassmen to the middle of the woods, at night, for an indeterminate period of time?”

“Indeterminate?”

“You’re in tenth grade, how the fuck do you not know what indeterminate means?”

The bickering continues for a while, to hide the group’s growing sense of unease. _What if Bokuto and Kuroo did trick us?_ they wonder. The two have always been jokers, but never set anyone up maliciously. Yamaguchi looks at his friend worriedly – Tsukishima has a somewhat complicated relationship with the black-haired member of the duo.

“Shhh!” Yachi says, pressing a finger to her lips. “I hear something!”

 

A bell begins to toll. The once-still air is now charged with a sort of energy – something that sets Hinata on edge; makes the hair on the back of Kageyama’s neck prickle. Yamaguchi clutches his scroll tighter, and the four boys strain their ears for whatever sound their female companion picked up.

“Footsteps,” The brunet says, quietly. There’s a waver in his voice.

Tsukishima is torn – there is something dangerous about whatever is coming their way, and he wants to run, but on the other hand, he’s transfixed by the possibility of seeing something inhuman. Hinata and Kageyama would be on him forever if he left, though, so he decides to stay. The blond readjusts his glasses, and flicks his gaze down to the end of the path.

 

The lights appear first.

 

Small, bright and ephemeral, they swarm sparsely like fireflies along the path. Their glow illuminates the forest far more than the moon did, and despite the warmth they bring, it does nothing to counter whatever is so _off_ in the air. A group of voices begin to accompany the footsteps.

“– can’t believe that after _three and a half centuries,_ he’s still pushing for me to be his familiar. You’d have thought he’d have gotten the damn hint by now!”

The source of the voice is from a tall man, wearing teal and white robes. He looks almost human (even with the pointed ears, long canines, and red eyes), save the fact that he has horns curving out of his head and a tail flicks irritably behind him. The horde of monsters trailing and chattering behind him also gives something away.

“Holy shit. Holy _shit.”_

The yokai that directly follow the leader are of all sorts. One is a pink kitsune, which seems to have control over the lights. Another is a massive black cat that stands taller than everyone in the parade (as far as the five can see, anyways). The black-haired man walking next to the fox has a mask that covers half of his face, and seems to be wearing loose clothing made out of tiger skin. Slightly behind the leader is a man with horns as well, but the shape of his are different. His tan skin has concentrated speckles of blue, and his dark hair has tints of it as well. His hand is clasped in the leader’s, and he looks somewhat irritated.

“I just want to kill him, y’know? Make him suffer defeat for once in his life,” The leader complains. “Don’t look at me like that, Issei, I know you do too.”

The masked man sighs. “Tooru. Ever since we met you, we knew you wanted to destroy Wakatoshi. Hell, that’s half the reason we joined you and this troupe. But we have heard this spiel every parade night. _Every parade night._ Please, let us talk about something else for now.”

“Hajimeeeee,” Tooru turns to the man behind him. “They’re bullying me!”

“Good,” He snorts. “It can’t be just me knocking sense into you all the time.” Everybody in the procession laughs – from the _bakeneko_ to the snake yokai to the lion-esque creature to –

“BOKUTO-SENPAI?”

Everyone halts dead in their tracks. Slowly, all heads turn to Hinata and his group. Yachi begins to hyperventilate, and Yamaguchi whimpers.

_“Well,”_ Tooru begins, a smile growing on his face. “Looks like we have some eavesdroppers. Come on out, won’t you?”

“They’re under Bo’s protection, Tooru,” The cat warns. “It was my fault they know, anyways.”

“Tetsu-chan, we are going to have a talk about this.” The brunet’s red eyes glow, and Hajime places a hand on his shoulder. Tooru exhales, and returns his gaze to the five hesitantly rising from the bushes. “I’m not going to hurt you. I just need you to come out of there.”

“Don’t go onto the path,” Bokuto warns from behind the _bakeneko._ “And hold onto your scroll – mmf!”

“Kou-chan, you really did give them every protection method you could, didn’t you? And I was so looking forward to – _you!”_ He points a clawed finger at Kageyama, who stiffens immediately. _“What are you doing here?”_

“I – I –”

_“I will make you pay for what you did to me.”_ Tooru’s talons grow sharper, his hair grows longer, and –

“Stop it, Tooru! It’s not him!” The kitsune – now a man with pink hair and fox ears – struggles to restrain Tooru, with the masked man holding him back as well. In a flash, Hajime moves in front of the Hyakki Yagyo leader, and punches him in the face. It sends him flying into the trees, and the five humans gasp. He turns back to the high schoolers, and his eyes soften. “Sorry about that, Kageyama. You look exactly like one of his greatest enemies from about two hundred years back. Tetsurou, why don’t you explain what’s going on?”

“Aw, Hajime. Is this punishment? Can’t say I blame you, though.” The massive feline asks, and somewhere back, one of the snakes laughs. “Shut up, Daishou.” Slowly, the cat begins to shrink, bones snapping as they reshape themselves, and after about thirty seconds, Kuroo Tetsurou stands in front of Tsukishima. “Hey, kids. How’s your night going?”

“Kuroo-senpai? You’re… you’re a demon?”

“That’s pretty rude, Hinata. I prefer the term _yokai._ ”

“We all do, for that matter.” It’s Tooru. Hajime’s arm is wrapped around his waist, and he takes another disapproving look at the people in front of him. He then turns back to the _yokai_ he’s leading, and calls out, “Sorry everybody! We’re going to have a little bit of a holdup here, so take the time to rest if you need to!” There are a few grumbles, but many of them sit down.

A few demons with crow wings – _Tengu,_ Yamaguchi thinks – land in front of them. Both wear familiar faces. “Don’t hurt them, Tooru. He doesn’t know he comes from an _onmyoji_ clan.” Haughtily, the brunet looks away with a sniff. Hajime sighs.

“Sugawara-san? Daichi-san?” Hinata gasps, and the silver-haired boy gives him a gentle look.

“Good evening, Hinata. Are the five of you alright?”

“We’re fine,” Tsukishima snaps, pointedly avoiding eye contact with Kuroo. “Now tell us what the hell is going on.”

Bokuto, having made his way up to the front, places his hands on his hips. “Y’know, Tsukki, if you guys had just stayed in the bushes, none of this would’ve happened. Now I’m gonna be late for my date.”

“Kou-chan, you’re going on a _date?”_ Tooru’s demeanor changes completely. “What does he look like? Is he pretty? Prettier than me?”

“That’s not too hard to be,” Hajime mutters to the kitsune, and he laughs.

“Ganging up on me with Takahiro, too? Hajime, this is flat-out betrayal!” While chuckles move through the crowd, Hinata swallows, and musters up the strength to ask “Are you the only people we know who are _yokai_?”

“Nah,” Kuroo says. “Bo’s not even a _yokai_. He’s from an onmyoji clan, but he likes me anyways. But no, there’s more of us in your school than you’d think.”

“Okay, Tetsu-chan, that is enough confidential information!” Tooru claps his hands, and everyone rises immediately. “Now, children… I’d prefer it if you didn’t tell _anyone_ about this, understand?”

“Y-Yes, sir!” Yachi yelps, terrified, and the leader laughs.

“No need to be so worried, Hitoka-chan. As long as this doesn’t get out, we won’t have any problems. I trust you can all keep secrets?” They nod stiffly, and the tall man claps once more. “Excellent! Now go home. It’s late, and we need to keep moving. Kou-chan, will you escort them?”

“Sure,” The spiky-haired man says, and breaks through the lights to wrap an arm around Tsukishima, who grimaces. “Let’s go, kids!”

 

* * *

 

 

“Bokuto-senpai?”

“Yeah?”

“How did Hajime punch such a powerful guy in the face and get away with it?” Hinata asks, as they walk through the forest.

The senior pauses. “Well, I mean, they’re married, so –”

“They’re married?” Yachi blurts out. “I didn’t know that _yokai_ could do that! And especially two men…”

“Yeah, things are a little different there. You see, about four centuries back, Tooru was a demon general. He wanted to expand his territory past land, and he picked the sea Hajime protected.”

“Protected?” Yamaguchi repeats.

“Mm. He’s a dragon. Anyways, they fought for, like, _ages._ For forty days and forty nights, the battle raged on, tearing apart land and water alike. Their strength was evenly matched, but Tooru won through a trick – he threatened the villages under Hajime’s power, and so he surrendered, because he didn’t want his people to get hurt.”

“Wow,” Hinata says softly. Kageyama looks impressed, and Bokuto grins.

“When he yielded, he fully expected Tooru to take over the land. Instead, he said he was impressed with Hajime’s fighting spirit and goodwill, so he took Hajime as his husband.”

“What,” Tsukishima says flatly.

“Yep. They’ve been married ever since.”

“Let me get this straight,” The taller blond says. “Two enemies fought for a little over a month. One of them won through a dirty trick, taking advantage of somebody’s good nature. And instead of claiming the very thing he started the battle for, he decided to get married to somebody who could very well kill him and most likely hated him.”

“Don’t ask me,” The senior says. “I’m getting this all from Kuroo. Ask him or Suga if you really wanna know the dynamics of their relationship.”

“How are you and a yokai friends, anyways? That seems contradictory.”

“When I was in fifth grade, I was walking home, and saw a real beat-up cat in an alleyway. I took it back to my place, gave it some food and water, and when I woke up there was a dude on top of me saying thanks and that he was indebted to me. Fetus me didn’t have a lot of friends because I was the ‘weird kid,’ so Kuroo enrolled in school next day and we’ve been together since.”

_“Fetus me,”_ Tsukishima mutters.

“Baby me. Little me. Little _meme._ Child me. Youngst –”

“I get it!”

“Tsukki…”

“Not now, Yamaguchi.”

“Well,” Bokuto says cheerfully. “We’re here!” Indeed, the group is at the edge of the forest. “You guys ok going home by yourselves?”

“Yeah,” Hinata replies. “Thank you for walking us out, Bokuto-senpai!”

“No problem, kid.” The taller teen winks, and heads off.

“Good luck on your date!” Yachi calls, and then turns to face the rest of the sophomores. They are silent for a while, each recounting the events they just experienced. The moonlight is almost comfortable now, a welcome change from the energy in the air while they watched the Hyakki Yagyo.

“So,” Yamaguchi says, fidgeting a little. “I think, uh, we should all go home now? Because I’d really like to get some sleep and forget that happened.”

“Are you kidding me?” Hinata says, eyes glowing with excitement. “That was so cool! Kuroo-senpai is a giant cat! A demon general-king is married to a water dragon! Yokai exist and we saw a ton of them! Why would you ever want to forget that?!”

“Because Kuroo is a _giant cat demon._ Have you forgotten how most yokai are malicious spirits? And the fact that we just saw a _demon general_ get punched out by a _dragon_ , and how they were powerful enough to destroy entire towns? God, you just have no sense of danger, do you? We could’ve died out there, all because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut.” Tsukishima is huffing, cheeks flushed red from the cold and anger.

Hinata tilts his head. “I think you’re just angry about Kuroo-senpai –”

“Okay, that’s enough!” Yamaguchi yelps, and begins to tug on his blond friend’s arm, dragging him away. “Goodnight guys, and I’ll see you at school tomorrow!”

“I should get going too. My mom will be worried otherwise.” Yachi turns her back to the two boys. “Have a safe walk home!”

 

Kageyama and Hinata are left under the moonlight, standing still in the frigid air.

“I still think it was cool,” The redhead says.

“It was awesome,” His friend agrees.


End file.
